Interesting Read: NurtureShock
I just finished a book that I would recommend as a very interesting read. Whether or not you agree with the authors, it provides a lot of fodder for thought and discussion! It is called NurtureShock and I read this before we attended the talk that the author gave at the school that Buzz and Woody attend.
The authors have their own website here and there are some good summaries and reviews that will give you a gist of what the book is about here.
Many things that were interesting to me:
- Growing up I remember really having to earn praise from my mother. I knew, of course, that she loved us unconditionally but I also knew that she was not one to praise constantly. She was also one to tell it like it is. I am much more of a “softy” like my dad but I think both my husband and I always been weary of constantly telling the kids how smart they are but I haven’t consciously articulated our reason for this. The book points to evidence that kids tend to do better with specific praise about things that they have some control over – like putting good effort into something rather than just praising them for how smart they are. There is a fascinating study included here about the differences between American and Chinese moms.
- The book also talks about the importance of sleep. The amount of sleep kids get have a direct correlation to their school performance. I now have more ammo to insist on the 7:30 bedtime for the boys!
- The chapter that really got me thinking was the one on “The Search for Intelligent Life in Kindergarten”. I remember when Woody was enrolled at a local preschool some years ago. He had just turned 3. This was a school that came with great recommendations from parents in the area, it was our first interaction with schools of any kind, they had a great story to tell about meeting the needs of the individual child and we were full of hope that this would be the place that would challenge our (even then) precocious son. A few weeks into school, I got a call from the head of the school asking for a meeting. Both my husband and I went in to see her. She first asked us to observe the class for a little while. And then she pointed out to us that Woody just would not sit still for circle time and that at age 3, this was something that was expected of all their kids. She went on about lagging gross and small motor skills — he showed no interest in playing ball with the class and was completely not able to thread some small beads through a wire. Never mind that he could read and do some pretty advanced Math at that age. My son, the quiet introvert and the dreamer, would never have been tagged at bright/gifted at that school – he just didn’t fit their profile. We did of course pull him out of that school and fingers crossed have found something that (while not perfect) is actually working well. But it got me thinking about Woody and the many other Woodys out there and the disservice we are doing by having these moulds and types.
- Finally in the chapter called “Can Self-Control Be Taught?” the authors talk about insights from a new preschool program/method called Tools of the Mind that is showing some great results. I am going to look into this program a bit more and perhaps pass along material to Buzz’s teachers who love reading about stuff like this.
Overall this was a good book. What was even more useful was that we were able to discuss the book with the author and a group of parents at the school. I talked to my friend H about the book and she asked me to send it to her and I said I would. But just realized that I have this on my Kindle. The one (and perhaps only) downside of a Kindle! Sorry H!
Thanks for the book rec. I’m going to put it on my list to check out.
Some of the ideas you’ve mentioned I’ve heard before. I think the first one is the “praise junkie” concept. Honestly, I really don’t think I have all the answers, but I do wonder if we lose something valuable when we start self-editing our conversations with our kids? It starts to feel like our children are experiments that need to be grown under the “right” conditions. I’m not saying that the author doesn’t have a point, but my mothering instinct says often the best thing for my child is to grab him, hug him and give him a completely genuine, unformulated “Great job!!” in response to whatever he’s proud of.
Ah, will we ever have all the answers?
I saw this book in Borders the other day and have been meaning to read it. Thanks for the review!